I'm cleaning out my book stash and came across Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". ANYONE in a relationship should read this book, by the way. ("relationship" meaning any bond with any human, not just yer boo.)
Why do we conflate the word "crazy' with "codependent" so easily? Is it bc they both start with a "C"? So does "cookie".
Ya know, people do not & will not reach out, open up, trust you when they're called "codependent" for doing so— especially when the term is used incorrectly.
And, what if they are "codependent"? The problem is not the codependent. The problem is the situations/people that pushed them into that corner. Codependency is a coping mechanism. It is developed in reaction to trauma and/or abuse.
That someone is coming to you, vulnerable with their pain is kind of a big deal. It means they (want to) trust you. There is a lot of that right now, holiday season and all. Stay keen, yea?
Open up a little. Expressing one's needs and feelings (even difficult ones) and/or asking for compromise in relationship is not codependent.
Codependency is a toxic give and take. It creates fear, shame, worthlessness, a frightened worldview and spins these things as truth.
Partnership uplifts, witnesses, encourages flight, creates soft landings.
Codependency takes two people. Often, one to gaslight; another to sacrifice their own well being to accommodate; to bend the fuck over backwards in the name of "if I do this I will be loved / respected".
Yes, we often attribute it to romantic relationships; but codependency extends to bonds with our mothers, boyfriends, teachers, friends bla bla bla etc.
This isn't about your "crazy girlfriend", homies.
Question, too: why are WOMEN so quickly called "codependent" (meaning "crazy" or "needy") while similarly hurt and "needy" men are not?
What is YOUR definition / understanding of codependency?
Maybe you have it wrong? or a little off?
Talk to each other about feelings and shit, y'all. Communication, warmth, compromise, & validation go a long long way. It creates growth, depth and intimacy.
Isn't this what we want with those we hold close? Unspoken warmth, a foundation to build upon—?
And Listen. Listen.
Show 'em that you see them, hear them; not that they are burdensome.
Cuz if you're in a codependent relationship; this is exactly what the codependent is freaking out about, standing in front of you, stammering their heart out best they can—