once…

dear sodom, dear salt pillar

friend, you delight in the doom of your recurring dreams. love, you orchestrate this city nightmare. we’ve identified the issue, evacuated the innocent: there’s nothing helpless here, nobody left to save. no body left burning but mine.

once I thought this could be the place; but, I learned, heart-shattered, skin sagging, that only the young and beautiful thrive inside your mouth.

once, I called this place cathedral, ignored the glass & blame & broken windows. you keep a princess in your see-through tower, & I, miserable at your feet. 


women like me, tired with teeth, are ghosts & graffiti scrawled, are condemned buildings, are the dumping ground foundations that feed the dreams that cowboys dream: foul play at the fountain of youth, a tragic addiction, indeed.

once I thought I’d die like this: old and lonely, unadorned. But, now I see a new way out— I may never be as beautiful, you’ve never called me innocent. & yes, my exit plan is unromantic. But, if growing up will save me, this time, I’ll take it. If solitude is a pill to swallow, I’ll take anything to prove alive. 


I’ll take whatever left, every piece. I’ll take what I can, in tact and otherwise. I’ll take the names & accusations, every last one: what your brothers call me, what your silence leaves razed. I’ll take my name: more wisdom and song and siren than your mouth could hold shut. 


& out of this waking nightmare, I’ll run—

Darlin’ she says
Let’s go somewhere else she says 
Where things will be different she says
And no one can tell—

Everyone says “Go West” but she travels
backwards, always in hindsight she says
life seems less ordinary. The piercing details blur

Anywhere, and disappear. Grow our hair
Hide the smoothed belly, the severed ties with
Many mothers. The stitches healed badly and never. 
This world of mountain range and skinned knees has done us no favors.

There are places she says 
Still secret to us. Where nobody knows
That we’ve not yet been born where
hindsight lives in cinema. Further south
Where present and finally meet. The world upside down, our sun warmed soles. We will turn to one another—

july 2nd, 2019

"Jargon" has been on my mind, lately: the words we co-opt, the acronyms, the increasingly diluted definitions; and the subsequent pollution of true meaning, of intention, of connection that certain language is meant for—

Words have power. Jargon is lazy and feigns truth. Weaponizing your (or another's) "struggle" to excuse shitty behavior is selfish. Using "self-care" as excuse to perpetuate negative patterns while avoiding scrutiny is also selfish. Breaking bad habits, self kindness, loving, trust, is a lifelong construction. Don't build your house on sand or marsh or garbage. You deserve better; and, if you find yourself wanting to settle atop shifting soil, you have more excavation to do. Struggle is not weakness, it is courage. Lying is not intelligence or cunning, it is manipulation and cruelty. Withholding information is lying; and humans (especially those wounded) aren't stupid. Addiction, (compulsive, harmful behavior to yourself and others) is an illness, if you're doing the work. It's a fucking excuse if you're not. "Forgiving oneself" is not the ticket to avoiding responsibility for harm caused. It is the commitment to love yourself while you do the uncomfortable, difficult, terrifying work of sitting with parts of yourself that hurt and have hurt others. And, you'll never forgive yourself if you aren't willing to forgive others. (How terrifying: to understand and accept the flaws of your villains as yours, too.) Consider meaning. Stop asking people that you don't care to show-up for, to show-up for you. Stop talking if your words are hollow.

To say: please please discontinue undermining the work of others by diluting the language necessary for communal understanding, relation. We have such limited ways to explain what this is like. Stop undercutting the progress of others by fucking with their sense of safety and well-being. You're fucking with their life when you prescribe your limited worldview on their journey (meaning: quit judging shit you don't even understand.) If you aren't going to do your own work, don't fly the F*cking flag of those who are working their asses off.